Blog #9---Delerium Brings Out Dark Inspiration...

I am faced with dilemmas a lot. Usually once or twice a week, I have some kind of moral dilemma. Last week, I was faced with one of course. I asked myself, and every guy should ask themselves this same question…can you masturbate to a porn star…if in real life, she’s dead? Are we honoring her memory by jerking it…or are we disgracing her life? But porn is what she did with her life, so we are actually honoring her life. Unless you are a necrophiliac, then her death is a plus? Maybe, but you’re just disgracing her body…pervert.

Remember the episode of Saved By the Bell where Kelly couldn’t go to the prom because her family couldn’t afford to pay for anything? The audience is supposed to be sad for her. Some were sad for Zack. “Oh my god. He’ll never fuck her now. She’s poor.” There were some holes in that story. Didn’t Kelly have a job at the Max? Did she save any money? There’s a reason that teenagers want jobs: so they can do shit that’s important at that age---buy a car, buy a fake ID so they can buy booze, and buy all the shit they need for the prom, which is like planning a wedding before the real thing. And her friends didn’t even try to help her; that was messed up. Kelly’s like “I can’t go to the prom.” You know how Lisa felt. “I’m sorry, Kelly. Guess I’m winning prom queen now, you broke bitch.” I was gonna do a joke about the caffeine pill episode with Jessie. I was excited about it. Then I got scared. You know I never gave you part 4 of "Indifferent Graffitti?" Enjoy.

Blog #8- Depression & Children...

More bits that I'm working on...




Being single is weird though. I was telling a friend about it, and how bad it is. I told him it was like there’s this party. And everyone is inside having a good time, drinking wine, eating cheese. Everyone but you. You’re outside parking cars like Eddie Murphy and Arsenio Hall in Coming to America. And I asked for his advice, hoping that he could lead me on a path towards finding love and maybe happiness. He said, “Sir, your total is $6.41. Please drive up to the second window.” I didn’t know what he meant then, but I believe he suggested that I eat my feelings. He’s right. It works for me.

I was at the movies a short time ago, and this girl brought her little brother to the movies. They were standing in front of me. The little brother was probably about 8 years old. The girl in the ticket booth is maybe 17 or 18. They get their tickets, and the little brother says the following to the girl in the booth: “Hey shawty, you kinda fine. Can I get that number?” The girl says, “You are so cute!” “I’m cute, you cute. Two cute people need to get together and do something, nawmean?” Does this 8-year old even know what he means? And then he starts rapping to her: “She’s a very freaky girl/She get it from her momma/First you get her name/Then you get her number/Then you get some brain in the front seat of the…Does he know what “brain” means? Who is teaching him these words and phrases? What if it was the other way around? An 8-year old girl hitting on an 18-year old guy? Everyone in here should be thinking the same thing…that girl has serious daddy issues. She’s only 8. If she’s making the first move, it’s just a downward spiral…we’re talking future stripper. I don’t know why I have these thoughts. Maybe I just refuse to resign myself to the fact that I have less “game” than an 8-year old boy.

Blog #7- A Very Special...

A couple of jokes I'm working on...

Some friends and I were hanging out one night at our usual watering hole, known to most of you as Waffle House. The subject of sexual fantasies came up. And one of them was asked about his fantasy, and without even thinking, he said, “Twins. Two of them. Like the Olsens. Or Tia and Tamera.” I said, “Twins is two. You don’t need to say two twins.” He said, “So. I still want that.” How many guys out here want twins? You want to watch the girls touch and rub on each other like in Cruel Intentions 2? Yeah, there’s a second Cruel Intentions. Raise your hand if you want to see that. These are all advocates of incest. That is disgusting and gross and vile and participating in such an act is a felony in some states. Having twins is like going to Popeye’s for lunch and KFC for dinner. You’re just setting yourself up for disappointment. I personally do not want twins, but I do like the number 2, if you hear me talking.

With being single, I have developed this strange aura, which I will explain shortly. But with this aura, I was initially in a dilemma about my feelings for having this strange aura, which I will explain shortly. The conclusion that I came to about this strange aura is that I am in a small sense, perversely abnormal. Now I will explain where this dilemma came from. I was at this party, and I was approached by a gay man. He came up to me. “Do you wanna dance with me?” “No thanks.” “Are you straight?” “Yes.” “So you’re not gay?” “Right.” “Are you sure you’re straight?” “I’m certain.” And at that moment, I wondered what is more frustrating to a straight man: to be seen as unattractive, or to be seen as if you don’t like women? So you may ask yourself, what makes me slightly perversely abnormal? It’s more frustrating to be seen as unattractive, because I at least looked good enough to one gay man in a dimly lit room after consuming several alcoholic drinks.

There is something that sitcoms don’t do much anymore, I guess because of certain drama shows that push the envelope so much, that it would seem kinda hokey for a sitcom to do it. I’m talking about the “very special episode.” An episode of Saved By the Bell…the caffeine pill episode. I was neither excited nor scared for Jessie. I was ROTFLMAO. That’s rolling on the floor laughing my ass off for the Internet slang impaired. Sitcoms can’t do the “very special episode” anymore. “On tonight’s episode of Two and Half Men, Jake brings a gun to school.” You know why that won’t happen? It’s been on CSI: Miami eight times already.

Blog #6a- Side Note

I'm writing a blog about being a comedian...so next time I will have a commentary on things that I observe in the world and such places...

Blog #6- Sounds Like Burning

I am constantly in my own head. Sometimes it has it's benefits, and sometimes it gets me in trouble. I'll just talk about the benefits. Like I've said before, I like to put a twist on otherwise conventional thinking or philosophies. The way I've been writing my jokes is to try to make the situation uncomfortable and dark, which will either cause the audience to cringe or laugh. I always go as far as I can in my own head, and then slightly bring the joke back a notch so as the audience is not groaning and/or puking in their seats. I also want to avoid angry mobs chasing me in order to replace the body they've using to burn me in effigy.

As far as my subjects go...if you do something that is worthy of a joke, I'll tell that joke. If I don't like you, I might make fun of you. If you insult me, I will humiliate you in public via a joke. I have the potential to be very angry and then violent, so comedy is an avenue in which I can channel that negative energy.

Humor has become a defense mechanism for me. It's how I deal with a lot of things. And with the things that humor can't solve, I just put those on the back burner because I am at a time where I need humor. Below is Part 3 of Indifferent Graffitti.

Blog #5- Bandwagons and the Like...

After my Coffeehouse, and after showing it to some friends, I was being asked advice on how to write jokes and perform...Did I make it look easy or something? I guess so, but being a comedian is not easy by a long shot. All I can tell them at this point is if you are afraid of bombing onstage, then this is not for you. I learned that after performing at the Alley Cat.

There are at least five people that have come up to me and asked me about being a stand-up comedian. I may have learned a few things in the past few months, but that does mean I know everything. Some want to perform with me and stuff. I don't know if I'm ready to be part of a comedy duo or troupe. This was a personal challenge turned artistic pursuit, and I may be a little too different to work in a group. Not to say that I'm incapable of working with other people, it's just the style of comedy that I'm developing is not meant for teams of people. I observe the world differently than most people, and my ideas may not mesh with you. I'm not really trying to get famous, I just want to be funny. Part 2 of Indifferent Graffitti...

Blog #4- The Beginning of Apathetic Comedy?

So at this point, I'm still writing, preparing for the Coffeehouse. I told so friends that "no one is safe." I was at a point as a theatre major where I didn't care about a lot of people I was around, so making fun of them with thinly veiled jokes was an outlet instead of you know...physically assaulting them...that wouldn't be nice.

I guess I would be categorized as an observational comic, because most of my jokes are inspired by what I see everyday. People tell me that I say things that they are afraid to say. I take that as a compliment because that means that I have an opportunity to represent a group of people when I'm on stage. So I guess I already have fans...weird.

Another reason that no one was safe from me "offending" them is that I knew who my audience was going to be: other theatre majors. That means a bunch of sensitive 18-26 year olds. They may laugh on the outside, but they're dying on the inside. I take joy in that...because they laughed, not because they're possibly dying on the inside. I don't care why you laugh, as long as you do. That determines my worth as a comedian, I guess. You can cringe, groan, hiss, boo...just react. Silence is a comedian's worst enemy.

I do try to make the audience feel comfortable with laughing. My experience with theatre tells me that the audience may laugh if they feel uncomfortable. I always like to stress that it's okay to laugh at my jokes, depsite the slight abrasiveness and harshness. That brings me to part one of my Coffeehouse stand-up...Indifferent Graffitti. Enjoy.

Blog #3- What Little Momentum I Had...

What made me apprehensive about pursuing stand-up after the nights in CT was that it would be hard to perform anywhere. I was in my last semester of college without a car, and not really a place to live. Fortunately, a friend of mine let me stay with her and her family until I graduated, in a house about 3 miles from the campus. The house was also about a mile from a restaurant called the Alley Cat that hosted open mic nights on Wednesdays. So of course, I was doing a lot of walking.

Performing at the Alley Cat was frustrating. The main reason is that in Carrollton, open mic night does not mean showing off a talent other than musical. To narrow it down a little more, if you didn't play guitar and sang, no one cared. The music usually served as background noise anyway, so imagine trying to tell jokes to people who aren't listening. I knew that I had to perform at comedy clubs in front of people who came to hear jokes. The problem with that? I can't walk to Atlanta...

So I continued to write. I did something I had never bothered to do before: watch the news. I stopped watching the local news a few years ago after becoming frustrated with the randomness of it, but now I can use the randomness for a comedy bit. The presidential election would look like a goldmine of material, but what could I say that hasn't been said already? I only wrote one joke regarding the election, and you'll see that later.

I drew some of my material from some pretty dark places, because I thought about how I tried to find the humor in everything, and I came up with some pretty funny things. I was able to make fun of myself, my family, and even some of my friends without them knowing it. I was able to develop a style, that being dark-humored stories and my cynical perspective on the world. I've been told that I'm quite cynical, and now through writing jokes, I'm aware of it. I play up the cynicism in my act, kinda like Lewis Black...minus the yelling. I sound awkward when I yell. After a few lackluster showings at the Alley Cat, I decided to focus on one performance that I would do in December...the UWG Coffeehouse.

Blog #2- The First One (Part 2)

I had been telling some people that I was going to do stand-up for a few days, and then backed out at the last moment. Just when people were starting to give up on me, I signed up for the open mic night and only told 2 or three people. I was a little nervous about doing it, so to keep myself focused, I wrote out my jokes word for word (a la Deon Cole) and put them on a music stand.

The first night went well. There were knock-knock jokes, I think. The second night is what people remember the most. I had stolen a couple of jokes and modified them to my style (*cough*DaneCook*cough*), but it was just an open mic, and the audience probably have not heard of the comedians I was stealing from. Not to diss those comics, I was just paying homage to them.

Back to the legendary second night. I made fun a fellow intern's dancing, discussed my favorite racial slur ("gers"---think about it), and ended the night with a bit I actually stole from Craig Robinson, where I started to play a song on the piano written by a retarded cousin. I then sang like my retarded cousin, and when the audience laughed, I said "I can see you're not going to take this seriously," and stormed off the stage. I had theatre professionals coming up to me afterwards and calling me "brilliant," including Emmy Award-winner Penny Fuller (honestly, before meeting her, I had never heard of her).

The third night, also the last open mic night of the conference, was recorded, which I have since put on YouTube. I was unsure about if I should continue developing this talent. I guess it was the positive responses I got, and the respect of professionals in the entertainment industry. The journey begins. Below is the recorded third night. Later...

Blog #1- The First One

Good year to all! I. Greg, have decided to start a blog, which will chronicle my observations of the world that surrounds me. I have recently ventured into stand-up comedy, and this will help me to harness the creativity I need to write jokes and such.

I'll tell you a smidge about myself. I grew up in Augusta, GA and currently live in Conyers, GA. I am a recent graduate of the University of West Georgia in Carrollton with a bachelor's degree in theatre. It only took me 6 years to do it, which isn't bad considering my mom took 30 years, so she doesn't hassle me about it.

People find it hard to describe me. I find it hard to describe me. I could list some interests, pet peeves, turn-ons and turn-offs, but that doesn't say anything about me. That just says I like some things, and I don't like other things. In my ever growing cynicism, that's how I have broken down stand-up comedy. People get paid to talk about what they think and maybe how they feel.

What I want to do, and I believe that the best comedians do, is provide my personal perspective on the world. The ones that provide their own twist on everyday events are the most memorable to me. For example, Richard Pryor's bit on when he set himself on fire is classic because not only did he make light of his personal drug addiction, but his willingness to share such a personal part of himself is what I remember the most. Hopefully I can just let go like that. Maybe one day.

Yes, I know being a stand-up comedian will not be easy; I don't even know where to start. I can say that I have a little bit of a following that began during an internship I had in Connecticut during the summer of 2008. I was a sound design intern ("Sound Fellow" was my official title) at the Eugene O'Neill Theatre Center. During the last two weeks I was there, there was a conference that focused on cabaret-style, intimate performances. The artistic director, Michael Bush, included an open-mic night after the scheduled performances. I told some other interns that I would do some stand-up as a change of pace to all the singing that was going on. But I could never bring myself to do it...until the last three nights of the conference. More to come...