I was at a party and Kanye West’s “Gold Digger” came up on the iPod. And this white guy was singing the lyrics--- I ain’t saying she a gold digger, but she ain’t messing with no broke ni--- and he just stopped and asked “Greg is it alright if I say the n-word in this song?” I don’t give a fuck. It’s not my word. I don’t own it. Later on Notorious B.I.G.’s “Big Poppa” came on. He’s knows all the words. “I love it when you call me big poppa/ throw your hands in the air if you’s a true player/ I love it when you call me big poppa / to the honeys getting money playing niggas like dummies---and on that line he looked at me like “Shit I didn’t ask for his permission this time.” Don’t ask a black guy if you can say the n-word because you’re singing along to Kanye or Biggie. There won’t be many guys like me who won’t care. Most of them will laugh in your face…and then walk away without giving you an answer, leaving you confused and/or in fear. Now you have to edit yourself when you sing along, even if you’re by yourself. It sounds ridiculous. "I ain’t saying she a gold digger, but she ain’t messing with no broke n---are any black people watching me?"
I'm trying to get into the open mic at the Star Bar in Atlanta on March 30. I haven't had many public performances, and the only way to get better is to keep going out there. Now some more jokes I'm working on.
I want to write an action movie. I’ve figured out a formula to create the heroes and the villains. The character formula is the same in a lot of movies. The hero, besides all the normal good guy stuff (good looking, funny, 12 inch penis), always has a problem or addiction…like he’s an alcoholic, he smokes crack, or beats his kids…but we like him. He always has a case (if he’s a cop that is) that nearly cost him his job. It will be something like a check cashing place was robbed, but not all the money was recovered. Now the Internal Affairs is investigating him and the chief tells him to keep a low profile, but when the villain takes over the federal building, only the hero has the brains, the looks, and athletic ability to prevail. On the other side, the villain is a villain to provide for his family. The villain always has a daughter. She thinks daddy is a businessman, like he sells insurance or airplane parts. His wife knows exactly what he’s doing. But being the wife of a villain is like being the wife of a drug dealer…you have to turn a blind eye. The less you know, the less the cops can get out of you if you get arrested. Villain is cheating on the wife, probably gave her an STD or two, but she has to keep up that denial in order to survive. Villain can kill you. And the villain always has a favorite food that he eats when talking with a guy who owes him money but hasn’t paid up…sometimes it’s the villain’s wife’s cousin, that’s why he gets a break. But there’s always a scene where he talking to him and he’s eating like a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios. “Where’s my money, Louie? (eats cereal) I loaned you $10,000 two months ago. I have not received one payment. (slurps milk) You’re lucky you’re my wife’s cousin.”
Racial slurs are interesting to me. When words like nigger, spic, chink, and Communist are used, you know who’s being talked about. What’s funny is that later on some white lady is gonna come up to me and say “Those words are offensive to me.” I will respond “How are those words offensive to you? You made them up bitch.” White people made up all racial slurs. There isn’t a racial slur for white people. “Honky” and “cracker” are not good enough. Why? Because those words don’t get bleeped out on television.
The following video is still hilarious to me, and it even inspired and an episode of the Boondocks, "The S-Word."
I have more jokes...just never posted them...here you go...
I may not talk about economics a lot, but I do notice some things. Everybody who has some money, thinks they’re poor. But poor people, if they are able to eat everyday, believe they are rich in some aspect. Rich people somehow say something about being poor that makes them look like snobs and/or spoiled idiots. Remember a basketball player named Latrell Sprewell? He was that guy who choked his coach about 10 years ago. He was playing for Minnesota, it was the last year of his contract, and he didn’t like what the team was offering. Reporters were asking if was going to play out his contract and then become a free agent after the season. He said and I quote ''Why would I want to help them win a title? They're not doing anything for me. I'm at risk. I have a lot of risk here. I got my family to feed.'' He was due to make 14.6 million dollars. That’s 178,000 a game. Is his family a small country? Was he like John McCain, thinking that he was being treated like a middle class citizen?
I’ve dabbled in a few conversations about Michael Vick, and I think that he got a fair deal. But I am a theatre major at a liberal college, therefore, my opinion differs from…vegans and hippies. Vegans and hippies are saying Vick should stay in jail for the dogfighting ring stuff. He should stay in jail for dogfighting? Listen to these names of NFL players, whether you watch football or not. Adam Pac-man Jones…beats up strippers and will tell his bodyguards to shoot you if you fuck with him. Leonard Little, driving drunk, killed another driver. Donte Stallworth…driving drunk, killed a man crossing the street. Stallworth may not go to jail because the man was possibly jaywalking…and homeless. Jamal Lewis conspired to sell cocaine. They did not go to jail!!! You may be asking “Greg, you value a human life over an animal’s life?” You damn right I am. Look at it like this. If I was living with my girlfriend, and we had a dog, but me and my girl were fighting so much that I was at a point where I was imagining her death, and then the house suddenly catches on fire, and I only had time to save the dog or the girl, I would say “Rufus, despite the many good things I hear about beastiality, I’m probably about to have the best make-up sex in my girlfriend’s mother’s basement, so…good luck buddy.” Below, a commercial I still think is bad-ass.
I am faced with dilemmas a lot. Usually once or twice a week, I have some kind of moral dilemma. Last week, I was faced with one of course. I asked myself, and every guy should ask themselves this same question…can you masturbate to a porn star…if in real life, she’s dead? Are we honoring her memory by jerking it…or are we disgracing her life? But porn is what she did with her life, so we are actually honoring her life. Unless you are a necrophiliac, then her death is a plus? Maybe, but you’re just disgracing her body…pervert.
Remember the episode of Saved By the Bell where Kelly couldn’t go to the prom because her family couldn’t afford to pay for anything? The audience is supposed to be sad for her. Some were sad for Zack. “Oh my god. He’ll never fuck her now. She’s poor.” There were some holes in that story. Didn’t Kelly have a job at the Max? Did she save any money? There’s a reason that teenagers want jobs: so they can do shit that’s important at that age---buy a car, buy a fake ID so they can buy booze, and buy all the shit they need for the prom, which is like planning a wedding before the real thing. And her friends didn’t even try to help her; that was messed up. Kelly’s like “I can’t go to the prom.” You know how Lisa felt. “I’m sorry, Kelly. Guess I’m winning prom queen now, you broke bitch.” I was gonna do a joke about the caffeine pill episode with Jessie. I was excited about it. Then I got scared. You know I never gave you part 4 of "Indifferent Graffitti?" Enjoy.
Being single is weird though. I was telling a friend about it, and how bad it is. I told him it was like there’s this party. And everyone is inside having a good time, drinking wine, eating cheese. Everyone but you. You’re outside parking cars like Eddie Murphy and Arsenio Hall in Coming to America. And I asked for his advice, hoping that he could lead me on a path towards finding love and maybe happiness. He said, “Sir, your total is $6.41. Please drive up to the second window.” I didn’t know what he meant then, but I believe he suggested that I eat my feelings. He’s right. It works for me.
I was at the movies a short time ago, and this girl brought her little brother to the movies. They were standing in front of me. The little brother was probably about 8 years old. The girl in the ticket booth is maybe 17 or 18. They get their tickets, and the little brother says the following to the girl in the booth: “Hey shawty, you kinda fine. Can I get that number?” The girl says, “You are so cute!” “I’m cute, you cute. Two cute people need to get together and do something, nawmean?” Does this 8-year old even know what he means? And then he starts rapping to her: “She’s a very freaky girl/She get it from her momma/First you get her name/Then you get her number/Then you get some brain in the front seat of the…Does he know what “brain” means? Who is teaching him these words and phrases? What if it was the other way around? An 8-year old girl hitting on an 18-year old guy? Everyone in here should be thinking the same thing…that girl has serious daddy issues. She’s only 8. If she’s making the first move, it’s just a downward spiral…we’re talking future stripper. I don’t know why I have these thoughts. Maybe I just refuse to resign myself to the fact that I have less “game” than an 8-year old boy.
Some friends and I were hanging out one night at our usual watering hole, known to most of you as Waffle House. The subject of sexual fantasies came up. And one of them was asked about his fantasy, and without even thinking, he said, “Twins. Two of them. Like the Olsens. Or Tia and Tamera.” I said, “Twins is two. You don’t need to say two twins.” He said, “So. I still want that.” How many guys out here want twins? You want to watch the girls touch and rub on each other like in Cruel Intentions 2? Yeah, there’s a second Cruel Intentions. Raise your hand if you want to see that. These are all advocates of incest. That is disgusting and gross and vile and participating in such an act is a felony in some states. Having twins is like going to Popeye’s for lunch and KFC for dinner. You’re just setting yourself up for disappointment. I personally do not want twins, but I do like the number 2, if you hear me talking.
With being single, I have developed this strange aura, which I will explain shortly. But with this aura, I was initially in a dilemma about my feelings for having this strange aura, which I will explain shortly.The conclusion that I came to about this strange aura is that I am in a small sense, perversely abnormal. Now I will explain where this dilemma came from. I was at this party, and I was approached by a gay man. He came up to me. “Do you wanna dance with me?” “No thanks.” “Are you straight?” “Yes.” “So you’re not gay?” “Right.” “Are you sure you’re straight?” “I’m certain.” And at that moment, I wondered what is more frustrating to a straight man: to be seen as unattractive, or to be seen as if you don’t like women? So you may ask yourself, what makes me slightly perversely abnormal? It’s more frustrating to be seen as unattractive, because I at least looked good enough to one gay man in a dimly lit room after consuming several alcoholic drinks.
There is something that sitcoms don’t do much anymore, I guess because of certain drama shows that push the envelope so much, that it would seem kinda hokey for a sitcom to do it. I’m talking about the “very special episode.” An episode of Saved By the Bell…the caffeine pill episode. I was neither excited nor scared for Jessie. I was ROTFLMAO. That’s rolling on the floor laughing my ass off for the Internet slang impaired. Sitcoms can’t do the “very special episode” anymore. “On tonight’s episode of Two and Half Men, Jake brings a gun to school.” You know why that won’t happen? It’s been on CSI: Miami eight times already.
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